Archive for January 5th, 2010
This past year my wife and I celebrated our 25th anniversary. It is the second marriage for both of us and the relationship has only grown stronger over the years, teaching me more about love and trust and dependence then I ever imagined. Reaching this special “silver moment” spurred me to look around and think about the number of friends we have who also have great second marriages and led me to question the alleged statistic that 60+% of second marriages end in divorce. I also thought about how many friends we have who are still in their original marriages and appear to be very happy. Thus, I decided it was time to do some research on divorce rates.
In the process of preparing for this article, I learned what I had long suspected. The commonly quoted numbers are overstated myths, the more accurate numbers reflect complex factors, and that our society really has two very separate divorce rates, a lower rate (by half) for college-educated women who marry after the age of 25 and a much higher rate for poor, primarily minority women who marry before the age of 25 and do not have a college degree (most of the research focused on women; the little I read about men suggested similar outcomes).
The Statistics:
A false conclusion in the 1970s that half of all first marriages ended in divorce was based on the simple but completely wrong analysis of the marriage and divorce rates per 1000 people in the U.S. A similar abuse of statistical analysis led to the conclusion that 60% of all second marriages ended in divorce. These errors have had a profound impact on attitudes about marriage in our society and it is a terrible injustice that there wasn’t more of an effort to get accurate data (essentially only obtainable by following a significant number of couples over time and measure the outcomes) or that newer, more accurate and optimistic data isn’t being heavily reported in the media.
It is now clear that the divorce rate in first marriages probably peaked at about 40% for first marriages around 1980 and has been declining since to about 30% in the early 2000s. This is a dramatic difference. Rather than view marriage as a 50-50 shot in the dark it can be viewed as a having 70% likelihood of succeeding. But even to use that kind of generalization, i.e., one simple statistic for all marriages, grossly distorts what is actually going on.
The key is that the research shows that starting in the 1980s education, specifically a college degree for women, began to create a substantial divergence in marital outcomes, with the divorce rate for college-educated women dropping to about 20%, half the rate for non-college-educated women. Even this is more complex, since the non-college educated women marry younger and are poorer than their college grad peers. These two factors, age at marriage and income level, have strong relationships to divorce rates; the older the partners and the higher the income, the more likely the couple stays married. Obviously, getting a college degree is reflected in both these factors.
Thus, we reach an even more dramatic conclusion: That for college educated women who marry after the age of 25 and have established an independent source of income, the divorce rate is only 20%!
Of course, this has its flip side, that the women who marry younger and divorce more frequently are predominately Black and Hispanic women from poorer environments. The highest divorce rate, exceeding 50%, is for Black women in high poverty areas. These women clearly face extraordinary challenges and society would do well to find ways to reduce not just teen pregnancies but early marriages among the poor and develop programs that train and educate the poor, which will not only delay marriage but provide the educational and financial foundation that is required to increase the probability of a marriage being successful. Early marriage, early pregnancy, early divorce is a cycle of broken families that contributes significantly to maintaining poverty. The cost to our society is enormous.
Here is some additional data about divorce in first marriages before moving on to the limited data available about second marriages. Divorce rates are cumulative statistics, i.e., they don’t occur at a single moment in time but add up over the years of marriage and do so at different rates. After reviewing numerous sources, it appears that about 10% of all marriages end in divorce during the first five years and another 10% by the tenth year. Thus, half of all divorces are within the first ten years. (Keep in mind this is mixing the disparate college-non-college group rates.) The 30% divorce rate is not reached until the 18th year of marriage and the 40% rate is not reached until the 50th year of marriage! Thus, not only is the rate of divorce much lower than previously thought but at least half of all divorces occur within the first ten years and then the rate of divorce slows dramatically. Since the divorce rate for women married by 18 is 48% in the first ten years and that group, once again, is primarily poor, minority women, the rate for educated couples is much less during those first ten years.
No wonder the divorce rate in Massachusetts is the lowest in the country. We have the highest percentage of college graduates. That explains why I have so many first marriage friends!
Finding meaningful data about the divorce rates for second marriages was difficult. But knowing that the rate for first marriages has been grossly overstated and poorly understood for decades suggested a likely similar outcome for the data on second marriages. One report indicated that the divorce rate for remarried, white women is 15% after three years and 25% after five years. This ongoing study indicated a definite slowing of the rate over time but did not have enough years measured to draw more long-term conclusions. However, it did indicate that the same factors with first divorces were at play here. Age, education, and income levels were also highly correlated with the outcomes of second marriages. For example, women who remarried before the age of 25 had a very high divorce rate of 47%, while women who remarried over the age of 25 only had a divorce rate of 34%. The latter is actually about the same for first marriages and likely also would prove to be an average of different rates based socioeconomic factors. Thus, my take on this limited amount of data is that divorce rates for second marriages may not be very different than those for first marriages. So my small sample of friends, who remarried older, had college degrees, and joint incomes, is probably not a distorted view of the success rate of second marriages.
Cohabitation:
In the course of gathering information about divorce rates, I came across a few articles describing the growing frequency of couples choosing cohabitation over marriage. I don’t have any figures that I consider accurate enough to report on the percentage of cohabitating couples but a July 24, 2007 Boston Globe article on cohabitating parents sheds some light and raises some serious concerns about this trend.
I must admit a bias here. From my professional experience, I believe cohabitating couples are afraid of the commitment that marriage requires. Certainly a piece of this is what I stated at the beginning of this article, that the myth of the divorce rate has placed a dark cloud over the institution of marriage. The reason for my concern is the following data reported in the Globe article. There is a marked increase in births to cohabitating couples, up from 29% in the early 1980s to 53% in the late 1990s. When you compare what has happened to those relationships when the child is two years old, 30% of the cohabitating couples are no longer together while only 6% of the married couples are divorced. This is another serious societal problem as it contributes to the U.S. having the lowest rate of all Western countries, 63%, of children being raised by both biological parents.
In addition, the general data suggests that cohabitating couples break up at twice the rate of married couples. Of course, this kind of simple statistic hides many complex factors with regard to who actually constitutes the population of cohabitating couples and the likelihood that many choose to live together with no real intention of permanence. However, my main point here is the concern that many couples may be choosing cohabitation over marriage because they actually believe that the institution of marriage is unhealthy and too risky, a conclusion that my review of divorce rates strongly disputes.
Conclusion:
The historical belief that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that over 60% of all second marriages end in divorce appears to be grossly overstated myths. Not only is the general divorce rate most likely to have never exceeded 40% but the current rate is probably closer to 30%. A closer look at even these lower rates indicate that there are really two separate groups with very different rates: a woman who is over 25, has a college degree, and an independent income have only a 20% probability of her marriage ending in divorce; a woman who marries younger than 25, without a college degree and lacking an independent income has a 40% probability of her marriage ending in divorce.
Thus, factors of age, education, and income appear to play a significant role in influencing the outcome of marriages and that for the older, more educated woman, getting married is not a crap shoot but, in fact, it is highly likely to produce a stable, lifelong relationship.
Dr. Heller is a clinical psychologist, now retired, who specialized in providing services to children, families, and couples since 1968. He has written over 150 columns about parenting and marriage which are available on his website, http://www.drheller.com.
If you are looking for advice, online relationship help may be what you need. Whether its because of marriage problems or even just challenges in your dating life, there is plenty of great help on the internet. But beware, as there is also some pretty bad relationship advice that could send you one or two paces backwards or even leave you single for good. Get the right advice online and you could be finding the person of your dreams or patching up your once rocky marriage.
There are several different routes you can go down when it comes to relationship help. There are some high end prices with psychologists and also it can be a great idea to go and speak to some friends or family. Especially those that have been in a similar situation with their partners, husbands or wives.
Personally some of my favorite and most effective methods are a combination of all of them and the help of someone completely anonymous too. This is where the online side of things comes into it’s own. Having someone that doesn’t know you can result in some very good, unbiased and unique help.
Advice online is always available to you. it doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is as long as you have access to a computer. Even if your parents or your best friend is always there for you, they may not appreciate a phone call at 2am when you’re having a sleepless night. The internet is also anonymous. As with all relationships there are sometimes questions we are too ashamed, embarrassed or shy to ask. Well imagine being able to have these questions answered in a forum, or even having someone to email your questions to. This can be a real help to a lot of people and it’s one huge benefit with advice on the web.
If you are seeking marriage or spouse advice, online relationship help is certainly something I would recommend and combine with other methods.
My only advice is to look for something that will guide you by the hand. Too many so called experts tell you to do step 1 but then don’t follow up with how you do step 2! Totally useless for someone who needs help.
Visit – http://howtowinbackyourex-now.blogspot.com
And get the low down on a product that is helping thousands of people worldwide. This techniques is crossing continents, and cultures with amazing results.
Many a times we reach a point where we need marriage help. This is usually the point where we turn to our closest friends for advice. We can also turn to our family especially people like our parents who have probably been married for quite sometimes and even though they have had some ups and downs they have still stuck together.
Choosing who to give marriage help and advice is quite hard. Especially if you have unmarried friends or if they too are newly weds such as you. However you and your friends can work through your marriages together by doing marriage exercises and attending marriage counseling.
Advice should always be taken serious, especially if it is marriage advice. If the situation in your marriage is serious then the best thing would be to apply for counseling or for a therapist session. If it is necessary for you to get marriage help, then after you have exhausted all the advice you can get from your family and friends try and get professional help.
In the long run it is only you who can help your marriage out. Understanding each other problems and communicating with each other is necessary to keep your marriage together. Do not be ashamed to ask for advice or help from your family pastor, priest or even family members. Apply for religious based marriage retreats they are usually quite helpful in the spiritual sense. They also help troubled relationships heal. Try adding some spark in your marriage life by being more romantic and rekindling the flame that was once there.
Peter Gitundu Researches And Reports On Marriages. For More Information On marriage help, Visit His Site At MARRIAGE HELPYou Can Also Post Your Views About marriage help On My Blog Here MARRIAGE HELP
divorcing a co-dependent spouse
Codependency in the marriage can cause a lot of deep resentments that are not even really understood at the time You know you feel bad
- ISBN13: 9780470411513
- Condition: USED – LIKE NEW
- Notes:
Product Description
Since Divorce For Dummies, 2nd Edition published in 2005, there have been considerable changes in collaborative divorces, common law marriages, same sex marriages, visitation, and even custody laws (from children to pets). Divorce For Dummies, 3rd Edition includes 25 percent new, revised, and refreshed material covering all of the above…. More >>