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Archive for January 9th, 2010

What is a Divorce Recovery Support Group?

As the name suggests, it is a support group for divorcer. The group comprises of many divorcers who get together under the trained guidance of therapists and divorce counsellors to discuss their mutual situations. The group provides support and guidance to divorcers about their newfound life status. The group follows a format of discussion, introspection and frank communication.

Divorcers are encouraged to talk about their personal divorce experiences. A feeling of companionship is created. Divorcers share and give advice to each other. The divorce recovery support group is based on the knowledge that shared information and advice among fellow members have more impact than individual professional intervention. Divorcers get to know where they went wrong and where they are going wrong. The group also acts as a meeting place. Divorcers meet like-minded people and are able to strike friendships.

Objectives

Set Short Term and Long Term Goals: The divorce recovery support group helps a divorcer to devise a new plan for his or her new life. It helps the divorcer to adjust to the new situation. It propels the divorcer to look within and chart new priorities and expectations. These include:

Dealing with Child Custody Issues: The group helps the divorcer to come to terms with reality. It teaches the individual acceptance especially in the case of child custody. The divorcer realizes that he or she should not divorce the child. The child should always form top priority no matter what the situation. The divorcer has to keep in constant touch with the child. The divorcer outlines following guidelines after opening up to members of the recovery group:

Continuous direct communication through physical visits, emails, phones and letters

Conducting a cordial relationship with ex in front of child

Not criticizing or abusing, blaming ex in front of child

Maintaining and following court ordered visitation schedules regularly

Being actively involved in child’s life

Ensuring child knows everything about your new life

Developing Financial Goals: The divorcer has to create new financial targets. These fall into three categories of short-term and immediate targets, medium and long-term goals. The divorcer determines these goals in accordance with importance. He or she has to decide what has to be achieved at once and what can be achieved slowly. The recovery group helps the divorcer realize that the achievement of short-term goals ensures the fulfilment of long-term goals.

Short-term Goals

Setting up individual bank account

Reverting to maiden name on important documents

Changing residence and leasing a house which will have a separate room for the child

Applying for individual credit card

Seeking a change in professional work status

Reducing expenses

Long-term and Medium Goals

Meeting new people and developing/ widening social circle

Dating leading to physically intimate encounters

Remarrying

Getting involved in enjoyable hobbies and interests

Making new investments i.e. purchasing a new house

Investing in bonds and financial schemes to increase personal income

Setting up a child maintenance trust

Physical Changes: The recovery group holds that a divorcer has to let go of emotional baggage before starting a new chapter of life. Getting a physical makeover forms a big part of this initiative. The support group forces a divorcer to quit depression and regain self-esteem. Usually, groups of divorcers visit a parlour and get a makeover done at the same time. This increases the communal feeling of not being alone. It also allows the divorcer to share private marital information in a non-structured environment.

The logic is that a physical change helps the divorcer to regain his or her self-belief and confidence. Adjustment on an emotional and cognitive level can only come if the individual feels confident about physical self.

Online Divorce Recovery Groups: Nowadays online divorce recovery groups are making headway. These groups do not focus on a single area. They deal with divorcers during and after divorce. They provide online lectures on life post-divorce. The online classes also help divorcers to be informed about divorce law and amendments.

Usually, divorcers and individuals intending to get divorced, divorce counsellors and therapists form part of the group. Online recovery groups afford privacy and convenience. It often happens that divorcers or couples trying to file papers feel embarrassed about face-to-face contact. It could also be that some divorcers feel ashamed to talk about personal feelings and thoughts in front of other people. Online groups step in allowing the individual to heal oneself privately.

The group provides information about legal procedures and documents. It also garners support for populous issues of child custody and spousal maintenance.

Technorati Tags: divorce, Groups, Recovery, Support

It’s natural to enter a long-term relationship with expectations. And one expectation most of us have is that our spouse or partner will remain relatively healthy. Although wedding vows ask us to consider the possibility of sickness, we don’t automatically assume our loved ones will suffer a serious illness.

“I felt blindsided by the diagnosis. So much of our relationship changed from that point on. There’s no way to prepare for it because you never think it’s going to happen to you. It felt like it came out of nowhere.” ~Jennifer, whose husband Dan was diagnosed with leukemia at age 37

When Illness Hits Home

The reality is that many couples must learn to cope and adjust to a life-altering illness. Understanding the impact this can have on your relationship can help you adjust and adapt to such an enormous challenge.

Let’s look at some of the ways in which a serious illness can impact you and your marriage/relationship:

1. Coping with a Sense of Loss

Depending on the nature of the illness, the sick partner may change in subtle and, sometimes, profound ways. The relationship that you once relied upon may no longer feel accessible to you.
Adjusting to such a major change can take time, and you may find yourself struggling with feelings of anger, despair and depression. It’s common to feel anger toward the person who has the illness (which then may cause you to feel guilty). This is all part of grieving the loss of what
once was the foundation of your relationship and life.

2. The Impact of Shifting Roles

We all play different roles in our relationships. And very often we end up with someone whose preferred role complements our own. For instance, someone who is timid and insecure may find him/herself with a partner who exudes confidence; someone who is highly emotional and spontaneous might be drawn to a more rational-minded planner; the natural caregiver may feel most at home with a partner who longs for this type of attention; and so on.

An illness can abruptly alter these roles and tip the balance that once grounded your relationship. The confident, take-charge person may now find him/herself in an overly dependent position; the rational-minded planner may have to relinquish control; and the caregiver may now need to be cared for. Such changes can rock the foundation of your union by forcing you to assume roles that are alien to what you’ve known most of your life.

3. Coping with Uncertainty

We all like to believe we’re in control of our lives. When faced with a significant illness, however, the idea of absolute control is revealed as an illusion. Questions you never before considered now become routine: Is s/he going to be OK? What’s going to happen to us? What should I do?
And when an illness interferes with one’s ability to work, financial uncertainty can now take center stage-fear and anxiety are common as the once secure areas of your life give way to uncertainty.

4. Letting Go of Guilt

Sam began feeling guilty when he finally started spending time with friends and found himself enjoying time away from his wife more than a year and a half after she became ill. During his wife’s rehabilitation, Sam rarely did anything for himself. As he described, “I had to come to grips with the fact that she’s sick and I’m healthy. This wasn’t easy. She’s slowed down considerably and I felt bad because I’ve always been so full of life.”

Sam continues to care for his wife when needed, but he has also begun taking care of himself. For a period of time, guilt-inducing thoughts flooded his mind (“How dare you have fun while your wife’s sick?”; “You should be home with her”), but Sam was slowly able to realize that his guilt served no useful purpose. With the support of his minister, Sam was able to let go of his guilt as he began embracing life again.

5. Understanding the sick partner’s emotional reactions

The person struggling with a serious illness is on an emotional rollercoaster. In one moment s/he may be grateful for your help and a moment later s/he may seem to act irrationally, no longer able to keep the fear, anger and despair in check. At times you may end up feeling berated, blamed, pushed away, and marginalized-despite your best efforts to comfort your partner. It’s difficult not to take this personally. For your own sanity, it will be important to remember that you are not responsible for your partner’s reactions and you will need to repeatedly remind yourself of this truth.

Remember that the partner struggling with the illness is adjusting to this traumatic life change and is trying to cope with fear and uncertainty. S/he may not even realize the impact his/her behavior is having on others, including his/her healthy partner. It’s important for you to seek ways to understand your partner’s unpredictable, tumultuous reactions; and it is just as important that you protect yourself from any emotional onslaughts directed at you.

The impact of a significant illness can have a dramatic and unexpected impact on your marriage or relationship. Some couples report that their relationship has become stronger because of an illness, whereas others continue to stumble under considerable stress. Having an understanding of the different ways in which an illness can impact you, your partner and your relationship is an important step in adapting to these painful events.

Would you like to receive free relationship advice each month? Visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

When you sign up you will also receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Technorati Tags: Coping, Help, Illness, Marriage, Spouse's

Your marriage might be experiencing one of the most dangerous problems. You are possibly frolicking from one site to another and hey, you bump into online marriage counseling link. It must be your lucky day because with the increased number of online users, marriage sector is not left behind. It is among the topics widely discussed through the Internet. It is amazing. It is so convenient because it saves time and energy. How many of you would wake up one morning and go looking for a marriage counselor? Chances are you know they exist but you keep on postponing. The time and all the hassles involved call for some special arrangements. Online marriage counseling has been the savior for many marriages since it is convenient. You only need to sit in front of your computer without having to leave your room. It is too economical since the resources required are minimized. What more would a marriage faced with economical constraints ask for?

It is too confidential for all the reserved couples around. By this i mean you can easily open up to your online marriage counselor. It is very possible to remain anonymous and still have the best of the online marriage counseling services. Revealing your identity brings a feeling that their is a risk of exposing your marital problems. Marriage problems like sex are widely and shamelessly discussed. Off course the best solution is found to save such a marriage. This is a concept which is giving online marriage counseling considerable popularity. Not very many couples like the idea of sitting in front of a counselor and admit their marriage problems. They see it as giving away their marital secrets.

Online marriage counseling is easy to follow up. The constant flow of information between the counselor and the client creates a bond of friendship than goes a long way. You become friends with a common goal. You want to know what is happening in each others life, you become confidants, and you feel you are not alone in your problems. You will never travel alone in that treacherous path, you acquire yourself a companion who doesn’t put you in the trouble of having to fix him in your already tight time schedule. It becomes hard to follow up when your marriage councilor is in the other side of town. Sometimes you are too tired to drive all the way for marriage counseling.

Free online marriage counseling is available in the cyber space. This saves a lot of money for couples who would want some marriage counseling yet they can’t afford. The services are expensive if you make a physical visit to a marriage councilor. This is improving many marriages because all the couple needs is a computer connected to the Internet. Online marriage counseling can be solicited from different marriage councilors from different sites. You can be able to gather advice at the comfort of your desk. You do not have to move around to get marriage counseling. Do not watch your marriage go down the toilet while online marriage counseling is a click away.

Technorati Tags: Counseling, Marriage, Online, Think, Wise