Tonight I’m going to talk to my husband about us going to marriage counselling. I’ve never gone to any kind of counselling before so I don’t know what to expect or anything. How should I approach him about this? What exactly happens during a session? I’m about ready to walk out, but want to save my marriage….help!
This is from a Marriage Counsler Pro…
Hopefully it helps alittle
· Most People Want To Change Others
· Do People Change Easily?
· Why Should You Be The One To Change
· It’s Important To Smile
· Where Changing Yourself Starts
· Loving Is Thinking And Doing
· The “Giving” of Forgiving
· How To Make Love
If you have a relationship that has some sour overtones to it, there are only three ways to make it sweeter.
In other words, only three possible solutions exist for “people problems.”
That should catch your attention. Because it covers quite a chunk of life that makes you turn up red
eyeballs – worries and frustrations caused by your kids, marriage partners, boss, neighbors, roommate, nosy
acquaintances, and the bullies that shove in front of you at the checkout counter.
Here are the three choices:
Change the situation
Change the person
Change yourself
Let’s consider each one, starting with the first: Change the situation. If you don’t like the boss, quit your
job. If your spouse causes hurricanes to rage in your head instead of making harps play in your heart, then
dump him or her. If getting along with your teacher is like clawing through a jungle of barbed wire, then drop
out of school. Or if Mom and Pop are always on your back, then hit the streets. Run away from home.
That’s to say that if the association with another person has bad rumbles, break out, split, and disappear.
That could be the best solution in some cases. Maybe. But there are deeper considerations. Such as, what
are the consequences? What are you doing to yourself?
I had just finished lunch with Jim Beattie. He’s the executive director of Nexus, a therapeutic center for
rehabilitating young felons. They come to Jim’s place with an average of ten arrests each and eleven long
months spent in juvenile correctional institutions.
“All these kids know how to do when they have a bad human encounter is to act crazy and run away,” Jim
told me. “After they’re with us awhile, they realize how dumb that is. Running away doesn’t work.”
Another time a friend was talking to me about his divorce. “We found that marriage was different than
going together. Little things became big things. We got real good at making each other miserable. Every day
was a drag. So we split. It wasn’t easy, but we did it.
“Life, I thought, would be all rosy after that. There would be no more tears and hassles. Life would be a
lark! Ah, sweet freedom!
“But it wasn’t quite that way. What I thought would be freedom was prolonged remorse. I couldn’t get rid
of the feelings of guilt and shame and a sense of failure. I knew those were a separate set of problems that
should have been dealt with differently. But there was a gut feeling chewing away inside, telling me that
happiness is not built by messing up someone else’s life.
“Do I still hold myself responsible? Of course not. I’ve put it behind me now. But I learned that solving bad
scenes with others doesn’t always mean breaking off. For me it didn’t do much for the real problem. It was
me. I took that right along with me. Maybe the outcome would be the same today. I don’t know. I’d deal
with it a lot differently.”
A woman once told me how she’d skipped from job to job, trying to find the right situation.
“People got to me, “she said. “Criticism, complaints, moaning, groaning – it seemed that’s all I heard all
day. I couldn’t get it off my mind at night. So I kept moving, only to find out the names and faces changed,
but not the humans. Most of the old frustrations would come up again, just dressed differently.
“So it finally dawned on me that the problem was me, not them. I’m doing something about that now. I
think I’m going to make it.”
Does this mean that a divorce or change of jobs should be ruled out as a way out of unhappy attachments?
No. You have to decide what’s best for you. All you’re getting here are some insights and ideas to use for
guidelines. Running away might be the easiest answer but not the best. If you’ve got a marriage, job, or
friendship that has some good parts to it, then consider another option for smoothing out the rough spots.
Most People Want To Change Others
Here’s the second solution: Change the other person. That’s the one that holds the greatest appeal from
most people’s viewpoint. Much of what I hear indicates that by instinct and impulse people are always trying
to solve their own problems by changing others.
“He had better be straightened out!”
“You could try to be a little more thoughtful.”
“How do you get the message through to these teenagers?”
“She’s simply got to change her attitude. That’s all there is to it.”
“How do you motivate people?”
“I just can’t put up with you acting that way anymore.”
“Will you please listen to me and do as I say?”
“Don’t jazz around with ‘em. Get ‘em in line!”
Soooo . . . It gets to be a little overwhelming at times, doesn’t it? The only way out is to get people to
change.
I used to think so. I spent many years trying to make it work. I still do at times. Dumb me. Because
generally it doesn’t work.
In the work environment, I’ve put in hours, days, even months, I guess, trying to change people. Most of
them do change, a little. Or they just act somewhat better for a short period of time. Then they slip back into
the old pattern. Or they console me by being what I want when they’re around me. But only then. Away
from me, they relax and be what they feel most comfortable being.
Or my attempt to change them sort of dulls them. It’s like giving people a tranquilizer called “confusion.” It
settles into their nervous system and deadens the naturalness and sparkle, the effervescence of the spirit.
Do People Change Easily?
Stop and think, for a moment, how people act when you try to change them. First, you have a leak proof
case built up before you even propose change. That’s easy. Human beings are so vulnerable, with such a
variety of weaknesses and defects, that they are almost totally defenseless when approached with an
argument for change.
The time for confrontation arrives. You make the presentation. Or, if it isn’t done like that, the attempts at
change are administered in little doses over extended periods of time. That’s called nagging.
The reactions are unpredictable. At times appreciation may appear false. “Just what I needed,” comes out.
But not usually.
More often, there’s a trembling effort to explain justify, hold on to what they are. That’s natural.
Remember, you’re penetrating people’s defenses and they need those, so they’ll hang on. Strip one of one’s
defenses and you’ll end up with fluff – nothing. A person will fall apart.
So they’ll protect themselves by logic, anger, blame, rationalization, stony silence, or intimidated departure.
Perchance you’ve had a positive effect. Probably not.
Go through this process with someone who really cares about you, and the reaction could be more
somber. If the affection is honest, the person is going to be more likely to change. That doesn’t indicate
weakness, but a willingness to drop off any traits that make you unhappy.
First comes the heart-to-heart talk, usually disguised as a chat, to uplift the togetherness. Soon the fact
becomes clouded. Emotions might be bruised. Tears, words, and old wounds surface. Let’s assume you win
your point. It’s a little like defeating an adversary.
For the next few days, the other one will spend more time alone, apart from you. You’ll be treated nicely
but quietly. There’s a strained _expression on the face, reflecting an inner concern about being wrong.
That’s the way people are when you convince them that they should not like themselves the way they are.
Is that any kind of solution for a human relations problem? Because you have power over another because
of love, appointed position, or some other power, should that be used to impose one’s will on another? I
think not. At least it hasn’t worked for me.
Think about it for yourself. Would the imposition of another’s will on yourself make you feel better about
yourself? Would it make the relationship richer, finer, deeper, and more powerful in a meaningful direction?
What does it do to the other person?
If you come to the same conclusion I have, then, alas! Only one solution remains for solving people
problems.
Change yourself!
That’s tough to do sometimes. Not sometimes, almost always. Really uphill.
What makes it difficult, you see, is that you’re right and the other person is inexcusably wrong. I don’t
mean that jokingly. I’m serious.
Think back to the last argument or difference of opinion that you had with someone close to you, even your
employers. Who was right? You were, weren’t you? And, furthermore, you could win a case before the
Supreme Court, God, and ten thousand others with your own conscience proving your point.
In fact, during your lifetime how many skirmishes with others have you had that were your fault? Aren’t
most of your major and minor miseries in life caused by others?
What have been your reactions as other people tried to rewrite your personal scripts, tried to change you?
Did you come out with, “That’s a lovely idea! I’ll start right away . . .”? In rare instances, possibly. In all
likelihood, however, you defended what you did or were.
You’ll change, feel better, as soon as others, change. Ever have that feeling? That’s what makes changing
so thorny. Since you’ve been right all along, why should you change?
There’s really only one answer to that. It is by far the best way, in almost every instance, for removing the
abrasions from your life. Others change when you change. You act, people react.
Most interpersonal problems stem from everybody’s attempt to get everybody else to change. It starts
early in life and goes on and on:
“Why don’t you . . . ?”
“You should have . . . ?”
“If you’d only . . . ?”
“You ought to . . .”
There is nothing wrong with the words per se, except that they usually end up as a criticism, a putdown.
People don’t like to be put down. So they get angry, fight back.
That’s the best reason for you to do the changing. It stands out as a starting point, a magic key, for the
conflicts with others.
Why Should You Be The One To Change
You say, “Hey! It isn’t fair that I always have to change myself to make my relationships better.”
And I’ll answer, “You’ve got it right, my friend. It isn’t fair.” There are a lot of crusades going on to
support that. We can get into liberation, discrimination, persecution, sex hostility, prejudice, and be-yourself
causes that preach beyond a smidgen of a doubt that others should change to make your life better, not you.
About all I have to offer to counter that is that changing yourself works better than trying to change others.
It will make your life better. You’ll move ahead faster and further than you ever thought possible. Good
relationships become even better. Fouled up circumstances unsnarl. Life gets wider and wider instead of
narrower and narrower.
It doesn’t work every time. Nothing does. But it’s worth a try before you spend a lot of time groping
around, trying to make the first two solutions to “people problems” prove out.
It’ll shake up the jowls of your disposition; put a strain on the muscles of your temperament. But getting
started, struggling off dead center will get you moving. It will be easier and easier as you go along.
Here’s one for you to try. The next time your spouse gets tired and owls and cuts you short or snaps your
neck a little, smile, look back, and say, “I love you.” Not a sarcastic, “I love you, too, sourpuss.” But a soft,
sincere, “I lover you,” just a shade about a whisper. Try it. I promise it won’t hurt a bit. The results might amaze you.
When you’re criticized or put down, smile and say something like, “Thanks for letting me know.” Try it on
for size once or twice just to see if it fits, making sure you smile.
It’s Important To Smile
“We’ve done some research with videotape, filming people in normal conversation,” said Professor James
McConnell, a psychologist at the University of Michigan. “Most people are surprised how infrequently they
smile.”
He advised that smiling can help you do better at your job, be a more effective parent, and enjoy life more.
He reports that frowning physicians face twice as many malpractice suits as smiling doctors. One study
revealed that eighty percent of the parents of juvenile delinquents were habitual non-smilers.
Some research done on the West Coast showed that men smiled at only twelve percent of other men. But
they smiled at seventy percent of the women! Department store sales have gone up as much as twenty
percent when salespeople have gone on a smiling campaign! Smile! Smile! Smile! It’s a delightful way to
change.
Try agreeing with people instead of disagreeing with them. See how right you can make others instead of
how wrong. Just for thirty days. Your world won’t come apart in that short time. And you might find out
some things about yourself that are worth knowing.
Where Changing Yourself Starts
All this business of changing yourself starts somewhere that’s very tended. It’s tucked away deep inside,
but you’ve got to get to it if you’re going to make any honest changes in the way you relate to others.
It’s your attitude, the way you think about the people in you life. Before you can turn your head and heart
around, there’s a substance called “forgiving” that must be spawned. That’s how changing yourself starts.
“What do you mean?” you ask. “Who do I have to forgive?” I’m with you, my friend. I used to think the
same way.
But now I’d answer, “Just about anyone who has ever ruffled your feathers.”
A long time ago, when I was a sales manager in a small company, I found out that a fellow in the office was
having a secret affair with my secretary. Both were married.
In a way, I felt betrayed. What they were doing was not right. So, in a nebulous manner, I felt that I was
attached to their wrongdoing. I had to redeem myself, restore morality, and maybe even get a sugar cube of
vengeance.
I confronted the fellow in front of his manager. I had him dead. I knew it. He knew it. He stutted, stammered,
turned red, squirmed, and I did nothing except bore a little harder.
Both of the people involved resign. I reasoned that I was dealing with the situation in the best interests of the company.
I felt satisfied, righteous. I shouldn’t have. It was an indecent, brutish way of acting.
But that was years ago. I didn’t know much about forgiving. I thought that forgivingness was a virtue for
which one received a bit of glory without having to give up too much in return. I could forgive a person, for
example, if that person disagreed with me, admitted it, and asked my forgiveness. Or if someone called me a
name during a heated argument, then apologized and asked to be forgiven, I could rise to my most noble
nature and grant forgiveness, rather like a king pardoning a subject.
But now, years later, I believe that forgivingness is a quality of considerable consequence. It is a process of
picking off thistles on the mind, which is not always effortless. For, in some cases, the roots have grown
deep.
One of the most famous short stories ever written deals with this. Guy de Maupassants’s masterpiece A
Piece of String tells of a Norman peasant, Maitre Hauchecorne, who could not forgive.
The thirty-year-old man was walking through the bustling marketplace on day when he saw a piece of
string on the ground. He stooped down, picked up the string, and put it in his pocket. He was seen doing it
and was accused later of having found a wallet lost at about the same spot.
He protested vigorously but was nevertheless taken to the local police station. He displayed his piece of
string but was still not believed.
The next day the lost wallet was found. The episode was forgotten. To all, that is, except Maitre
Hauchecorne. He kept brooking about the injustice of being falsely accused. To everyone he met he
complained of the manner in which he had been insulted.
The piece of string became the sole occupant of his mind. His farm was neglected. The venom of self-pity
slowly destroyed him. Unable to forgive, the old peasant died of a broken heart, after complaining to the very
end about the piece of string.
Research indicates that the story could very well be based on fact. According to one report, the surging
devastation of harbored resentment and hatred can actually kill a person. Not being able to “forgive and
forget” causes the blood to clot more quickly, blood cells to increase, and stomach muscles to squeeze down
and inhibit the digestive process. The overpowering effect of this intense emotion has been known to cause a
stroke or heart attack.
We don’t need burdens like that to carry around, do we? Far better that we learn to forgive than to burden
ourselves with such dismaying loads.
The “Giving” of Forgiving
How does one forgive? A friend laid that on me once. You aren’t going to like what he said. “Forgiveness
always starts,” he explained, “by your asking the other person to forgive you.”
Are you ready for that? I wasn’t. But when you turn it over a couple of times, it begins to make sense.
When ever you have to forgive someone else for something, there is usually some malice, vindictiveness,
bitterness, blame, or fault-finding sticking to the wall of your own mind. That might be what needs to be
forgiven. Think about it.
Of one thing we can be certain. As long as you’re forgiving, be sure to forgive yourself. Don’t be too harsh
on you. If you’re wiping the slate clean with others, why not yourself? You can’t feel good about others
unless you feel good about you.
Another certainty – giving is the critical part of forgiving. You have to give to forgive. Forgiving always
means surrendering a part of yourself, even it if is merely a black little thought that is throwing shadows
across your feelings for another.
That takes humility, the kind possessed by Dr. Charles Mayo, who, with his broth, Will, founded the
world-famous Mayo Clinic.
Dr. Charlie, as he was called, once entertained an English visitor in his home at Rochester, Minnesota, for
several days. At night, the visitor put his shoes outside the door, expecting a servant to shine them. Dr.
Charlie shined them himself. That’s giving.
There is a Jewish story of two brothers whose farms lay sis by side. One night, after the gathering of the
harvest, the elder brother said to his wife, “My brother is a lonely man who has neither wife nor children. I
will carry some of my sheaves into his field.” But to his amazement, the next morning his sack of grain was as
large as before. He continued to carry part of his harvest to his brother’s farm each night, but every morning
his own store of grain seemed untouched. The mystery was not revealed until on moonlit night the brothers,
with their arms full of sheaves, met midway, face to fact! Because of the generosity shown by the brothers,
on this spot a temple was built, for the neighbors considered it to be the place where earth was nearest to
heaven.
Glen Cunningham was a miler whose legs had been burned so badly when he was a boy that the doctors
said he would never walk. He ended up winning an Olympic gold medal, and then devoted his life to helping
troubled kids. He told me that his wife asked once, “Glenn, why do we have to give so much more than
others? No one else is doing what we are.”
“That’s the reason, Ruth. No one else is doing it, “he replied.
That could be why there are so many fouled up relationships in the world. No one is doing what they have
to do to get them untangled. Forgiving.
You know what we’re getting to here, don’t you? Something that’s akin to forgiving.
That’s loving.
It’s what these messages are about. Loving.
How To Make Love
There has been a lot preached and written about love but not enough on how to do it. It seemed right to do
add messages on “how to make love.” We don’t see enough of that today. People are trying to make their
lives work without it and are coming up barren. Many are being misguided by what they read and hear.
There are those, for instance, who suggest that something other than love will get you what you want from
others. Not true. Love is the only mechanism that is really effective in winning people’s cooperation.
Some say sex without love is OK. It doesn’t work out in the long run. Sex should be the blossom of the
relationship, not the root.
Some mistake affection for love. They hug and kiss and talk about love, trying to get turned on by people
in general. But no rockets are going off inside, except when they’re with a few people with whom they have
very close relationships. There’s a lot of empty places that aren’t filled. Why? Because they’re going at love
the wrong way. Affection can be a part of loving, but it’s not love.
Most believe that love is an emotion. That’s the illusion that keeps them from loving. For they hear of all the
lovely thought and beautiful thing that happen when you feel love. So they look to others for emotional highs
so those wonderful things will happen to them. There’s hollowness as they end up short.
Loving Is Thinking And Doing
The emotional feeling that is called love, you see, is merely the reward for loving.
Loving is thinking and doing. It starts out as an attitude and ends up as an emotion. Many try to reverse
this. They wait around for the emotion, expecting their minds to be filled with exotic thoughts. It seldom
happens.
Love is an ability, an attitude. In fact, love is little less than life itself lived in the right way, with others. It is
helping rather than hurting. Anyone can love. It starts with a concern, sensitivity to others, and grows from
there.
The capacity for loving is infinite. It expands as one live – but only if it becomes stronger by thinking and
doing.
The thinking comes from loving everything and everybody. Rise above the pettiness, resentment, judgment,
and prejudice. Just love.
Then do. That need not be big things. Just a lot of little everyday acts will be fine! Speak love. Ah, yes!
Make love with your voice. These are the sounds of love:
“Let me help you.”
“Excuse me.”
“That’s nice.”
“I’ll do it.”
“I like you.”
“Is that too much trouble?”
“Please.”
“You’ll like this better.”
“Use mine.”
“Tell me about your trip.”
“Are you comfortable?”
“I’ll wait for you.”
“Thank you.”
“I thought about you.”
“That’s a new coat!”
You’re fun to have around.”
“Pardon me.”
“This flower is for you.”
“Have a good time!”
“It’s up to you.”
That’s a proper place to stop. It’s up to you how much you love. It shouldn’t depend on how much you’re
loved. The music of your life is written by the warmth of your love, but what you thing and do.
Love. It’s the one thing that infallibly works to make your life richer, deeper, higher, wider – filled with
emotional joy and satisfaction.
All of this is just another way of saying:
To the degree you give others what they need, they will give you what you need!
Tell him it’s counseling or divorce. If he refuses to go, you go alone. Expect the counselor to work diligently with you both and try to get you two to communicate.
Be honest with him about this.
before you go to counseling, both of you should read the book of 1st corithians chap: 7 verses 1-40.
Usually, on the first visit, they try to get to know you. You will both tell the person why you decided on counselling and what you hope to gain from your sessions.
Sometimes, the woman—imagine this!—will start talking first. Yes, yes, yes. okay…stop laughing. It’s a woman thing. Try, though, to refrain from “taking the reigns” if your husband seems to be opening up a bit. There will be more sessions!
I want to thank you for choosing counselling. So many posts in here are people trying to get out of a marriage. I am grateful to you that you see your marriage as important in your life, and that you have chosen to heal the wounds, instead of amputate the leg!
I pray that both you and your husband will find deeper levels of communication, intimacy–outside of your physical life together—but more in tuned with what you both want from each other, and what you both don’t want from each other.
Marriage is learning to dance. Choosing the music is sometimes difficult if you both like different kinds. But love and patience will carry you both through until the record changes, you learn the new steps, and you can both just enjoy holding each other no matter what music either of you hears.
Congratulations.
It’s good you want to save your marriage. Try talking out your problems before you commit to counseling. If you both agree on counseling, ask friends who have been for recommendations. Marriage counselors are like plumbers. Some are better than others.
Good for you. It is more than likely your husband will not want to go and may even refuse. The reason for this may not be that he doesn’t care or doesn’t want the marriage to work. It’s usually fear based. So definitely go yourself, work on yourself until he is ready. If he is afraid he is going to be made the “bad” guy, maybe have him try a session by himself, let the professional do any convincing necessary.
Now, another word of very important advice. Not all therapists are effective at marriage counseling and some can leave you worse off. Therapist help people to identify and process feelings, and achieve personal goals. Marriage counseling is more about helping couples overcome the differences that naturally occur with two people living under the same roof and sleeping together. They have to understand what it takes to make a marriage work, and make it wonderful for both partners.
I’ve heard it recommended that people ask their therapist about their training and experience. This is a good idea.
However, let me just add this. You have to be the one to decide if this counselor is working for you or not. After a few visits with this first counselor, if you feel like you and your husband are not seeming to make any small progress and there seems to be no hope for you. Don’t give up, try a different counselor. This I know from personal experience.
You and your husband just need the “tools” to know how to make your marriage tick. You will take with you into your next relationship the same set of values and beliefs and probably end up with many of the same difficulties. So it is worth it to try and work it out the first time, and it is work.