Changing the angry course of marital arguments means changing patterns of behavior. In a marriage, using angry words can literally become a bad habit. Usually by the time a marriage gets to this point it is because there are so many hurts that have accumulated over time. The small and large hurts build up and when a couple stops communicating in a productive manner, the hurts are expressed as angry words.
In other words, there are often deep fundamental problems in the marriage and the constant arguing is an expression of those problems. Until you get to the root of the problems, they are not going to be resolved and the arguing will continue.
Of course, there are always going to be disagreements from time to time. Two people living together for years are not going to see eye-to-eye on everything. At least the odds of that happening are very slim. Sometimes, as a marriage matures, two people may find they are not as compatible as they originally thought which can also lead to plenty of disagreements. But it is how you express your disagreement that determines whether the conversation will escalate into an argument.
Let’s face it – a husband and wife can grate on each other’s nerves at times. That’s when statements are often made that can trigger full blown arguments. Statements such as “You never agree with anything I say!” or “We can’t get along at all!” are inflammatory. One poorly worded statement leads to another and next thing you know words are being exchanged that just add to the hurt.
Then there are the arguments about things like how to raise the children and how much of a role in-laws should have in your family. These can be very serious issues that require honest discussion and not accusations and arguments. Once again, it is how you approach the discussion that makes the difference.
Ending the Constant Arguing
When you are arguing all the time, it is miserable. There’s really no other way to say it. Constant arguing makes people defensive and causes them to put a lot of distance between themselves. Every conversation is approached with a cynical wariness which blocks communication right from the start. Communication requires one person talking while the other is listening and visa versa. When you are assuming a discussion will become an argument, chances are you just don’t listen to what is being said as a defense mechanism.
Too much arguing in a marriage can lead to divorce. No one wants to live their life arguing all the time or feeling miserable. But if you don’t break the habit and find a new way to communicate, then divorce begins to look like an option. To stop divorce, you have to change your communication patterns.
Of course, knowing this fact and actually making the changes can be difficult. Many people choose to see a marriage counselor for assistance with the change process. An unbiased counselor can help in two ways. First, he or she can help you identify what the real issues are in the marriage that need to be addressed. Second, the counselor can show a couple how to communicate more effectively.
But even if you don’t see a counselor, you can learn to change how you express your feelings and opinions to your spouse. You should avoid accusatory words. You should also provide feedback to what your spouse says in order to get clarification. When you repeat words back to someone in the form of a question, it gives the other person a chance to clarify. If you attack the person’s words without giving them this chance, the conversation will obviously dissolve into an argument.
Avoiding Ultimatums
There are plenty of words of advice you can follow in order to manage conflict. Don’t get defensive and be willing to apologize when you are wrong. You should not just tell your spouse how you are going to handle a situation that he or she should have a say about. You should explain what you plan on doing and then also give the reasons why. This gives your spouse the information needed to truly evaluate your opinion. One of the quickest ways to start an argument is to give an ultimatum. Ultimatums mean you are not allowing any options which cuts off conversation right then and there.
When your marriage seems to have become one argument after another, it’s time to step back and evaluate the communication patterns. By doing so, you can stop a course that often leads to divorce.