The old Led Zeppelin song “Communication Breakdown” says it well. “Communication breakdown, it’s always the same. Havin’ a nervous breakdown, a-drive me insane.” Well you may not be going insane, but miscommunication can cause true stress in a marriage. A communication breakdown between husband and wife can lead to conflict, arguing, emotional pain and eventually even divorce.
Communication problems are not particularly easy to deal with because they often sneak up on you. In other words, you disagree a little here and there and then it gets more frequent. You realize one day you don’t know what he or she means half the time, or you feel as if you are left out of the loop on major decisions. One of the quickest routes to a communication breakdown is giving destructive criticism on a routine basis.
How many times have you felt that your spouse does nothing but criticize you? Criticism is hard to handle whether it is justified or not. No one enjoys being criticized and it’s a great way to shut down communication. But criticism is often nothing more than a communication breakdown. In other words, someone really has something they want to say to you and it gets expressed in the wrong way. Instead of really being told the problem, you are told your faults.
When a criticism comes from a spouse, it can be most painful. A husband and wife love and care for each other, so when criticized the response is often more emotional than if the criticism came from someone else. Criticism can make you feel inadequate which can then lead to other problems. It can impact your sex life for example.
Verbal Weapons
Unfortunately, marital miscommunication can have serious consequences if steps are not taken to improve communication. Criticism that is leveled at a spouse as a verbal weapon can inflict powerful hurt. Telling your wife she is “too fat” can lead directly to an argument. Telling your husband he is a “selfish lover” can lead to a damaged physical relationship. Instead, there are right and wrong ways to communicate a criticism, and by choosing the right ones it’s possible to turn the criticism into a constructive conversation.
To begin with, you should learn how to phrase your words in a way that express what you would really like from your spouse. Instead of telling your wife she is too heavy, it would be just as easy to talk about starting a health program to take care of both your bodies so you can live a long healthy life together. If you don’t think your husband spends enough time with you physically, then you should have a non-argumentative discussion about taking time for each other on a regular basis.
When working through a problem in a marriage, one of the cardinal rules is to address a single problem at a time. All too often, criticisms turn into arguments and every concern and complaint is suddenly aired. Letting a lot of issues build up until they are uncontrollable frustrations is a sure way to have a communication breakdown. Usually, by the end of the argument, both parties are so angry that neither are really hearing anything being said. That’s why you hear people say they don’t remember what started the argument or how it got so out of control. They just stopped listening.
Brain Power
When communicating with your spouse, you should always try to let your brain and not your emotions do the talking. You want to explain what is really on your mind and not use a criticism as a means of conversation. Criticizing someone without end can become an ugly habit that you don’t even realize you have developed.
If your spouse criticizes you too often, the best way to begin making communication changes is to not overreact. Rather you should avoid becoming defensive and ask questions instead. At some point you will be able to explain how you feel about the criticism and whether or not you think it is valid. In the meantime, an argument has been avoided.
Communication breakdowns can lead to serious problems in a marriage. The worst breakdowns often begin with careless criticisms leveled at a spouse. This is a problem that can be changed but it takes patience and an awareness of how statements are made. Once your spouse realizes you want to talk and not argue, the conversation will become fruitful.