- ISBN13: 9780060934576
- Condition: NEW
- Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
Product Description
Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to your children, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, you could lose your children’s respect, their affection — even, in extreme cases, contact with them. Backed by twenty-five years of experience in helping families, Dr. Richard Warshak presents powerful strategies for dealing with everything from tainted parent-child relationships in which children are disrespectful or re… More >>
Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex
PAS – Parental Alienation Syndrome – is a highly controversial concept that has no validation or recognition among serious researchers. And no research other than that of those who propose the concept (and make money of it) has supported its existence. This book guides parents to look for problems in their relationship to their child and then to blame these problems on the other parent. That is not helpful. Divorce / Parental Separation are never easy and may indeed lead to parent-child conflicts, confusion, and at times to loyalty conflicts. However, the solution during these difficult times is not to pass the blame to the other parent who one needs to continue to co-parent with for years to come but the solution is to be open to understanding the child’s upset, anger, confusion and working with that through reassuring the child, through open but not overwhelming discussions, and, yes looking at how one oneself may contribute to the tension and how to adjust one’s own behavior – which is the one thing one can actually control after divorce. The author has an agenda: hate sells unfortunately – the title of the book already conveys that. For a much more balanced and comprehensive treatment of divorce look at the books by Clarke-Stewart and also Nicholas Long and Rex L. Forehand. There are already too many books that fuel the divorce wars and Warshak’s is one of them.
Rating: 1 / 5
I found this book after first hearing about PAS from my attorney. While my case is not nearly as severe as some in the book, it is a very real and very devastating occurance.
I just finished a 4 day custody battle to modify my existing shared parenting order put in place 3 years ago. Shared custody has become a buzzword lately and I am here to tell you that SHARED CUSTODY DOES NOT WORK!!! In my state it can not be ordered unless both parties agree to it. I agreed (despite my own reservations) after being cornered in a lawyer’s office for hours with 3 attorneys (my first attorney, his and one that was appointed for the children through the court) drilling in my head that custody battles do more harm than good, shared custody is what’s best for the children, etc. Bull. My protests fell on deaf ears because the lawyers didn’t want to invest the time and effort into a court battle. It was easier on them to wear me down. {And I, in no way, think it always has to be the mother who is granted sole custody. I know plenty of children who live with their father and are much better off for it.}
Here are some things to think about when considering shared custody:
1. Trust your instincts! If your gut is telling you that it isn’t going to work, you are most likely right. You know your ex and you know your children. If your lawyer won’t listen to your concerns, find someone who will. (Yes, it can be expensive, but modifying custody down the road will cost you much more–do it right the first time!)
2. Find a lawyer you absolutely trust. Make sure that they are reputable (ask your friends for recommendations), and make sure you ask them if they have done plenty of family law cases. Ask if they have the time to dedicate to your case. Something else to consider; ask if they have children of their own and if they have been divorced. My first two lawyers were happily married and I don’t think they took my concerns seriously. My lawyer that I have now has been divorced with a child and I have not had to “plead my case” with her once. She knows what I’m going through. If you have to call and remind them of things–find someone else. They should be keeping you informed, they are working for you.
3. If either you or your ex do not want the divorce, or harbor very ill feelings for the other one DO NOT AGREE TO SHARED CUSTODY!! Unless you are a saint, it is nearly impossible to co-parent with someone you hate, or who hates you, I don’t care how many books you read on how to communicate with them–it doesn’t work and your children will suffer.
4. If your children are under the age of 10 or have any kind of special needs, do not agree to shared custody. My son’s therapist has told me that young children have an attachment to their primary caregiver (usually, but not always, the mother) and that shared custody is too disruptive. Rather than the child forming a bond with both, they withdraw from both and that’s when the problems begin. Better that they have the stability and consistency of one home and lots of good quality, frequent contact with the non-custodial parent (provided they are capable of doing that).
5. My lawyer has told me that in all her years of practice, with the exception of one case, shared custody never works and the majority of her family law cases are modification of an original order that they see three or four years down the road, is not working out. If you can’t make a marriage work, you can’t co-parent with that person, plain and simple.
6. If your ex has ever used “shared custody” in the context of a threat toward you. (either to keep the kids from you, to avoid paying child support, etc.) DO NOT agree to shared custody with this person–they are more preoccupied with making you “pay” for divorcing them than they are about their children’s needs. By the time you reach the final, it may have been a year or more since the seperation and you are tired and just want it over. Don’t give in just to get it over with quicker, it’s tempting but don’t.
7. If you have been the only one making sure the kids get to their doctor’s appointments, etc. DON’T agree to shared custody. If they weren’t doing it before, you can’t count on them to do it now and your children will suffer.
My ex went from “reasonably responsible” parent when he lived with me to “Disneyland dad” as soon as the order was put in place. (Red Flag: If your ex is the kind of person who tells people what they want to hear and then does whatever they want anyway–DON’T AGREE to shared custody with this person!) He even told the sitter that they were going to be allowed to do whatever they wanted in his care and then they could go to me and my “rules” and see how they like it. That’s really putting the child’s needs first. He is the type of person who puts his needs first, then comes trying to make my life as difficult as he can, and then somewhere in third or fourth place comes our children.
The effects on my children due to this shared custody arrangement have been devastating. Both children have gone from relaxed, happy kids to anxious, nervous children. My seven year old son has now been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and has been exposed to inappropriate sexual information while in his father’s care–which we have been unable to get to the bottom of due to my ex threatening my child not to talk to his therapist. He tells me the child has made it up, despite the pediatrician, a child sexual abuse expert and a child psychologist all telling me that children can’t make up stories about subjects which they have no prior knowledge. But of course the experts are all wrong in my ex’s eyes. My son has nightmares and has been caught stealing. He breaks down crying for unknown reasons (as he is unable or unwilling to discuss why), has trouble concentrating in school, grades are slipping (two therapists have evaluated him and said that his problems are emotional and not the symptoms of ADD). He has witnessed several instances of domestic violence between his father and the live-in girlfriend (who is also married to my ex’s brother).
Even before the domestic violence and sexual information, this shared custody situation was bad for our children. The back and forth, no consistency between homes. Now that they are in school, homework is not done, they are sent to school unprepared (no hat, gloves, etc.). They miss out on birthday parties and activities with their friends which make them feel like outsiders. And my ex has begun using some of the tactics described in this book when I filed for modification of custody. Luckily, the therapist is on top of it and I think that I have done the right thing by reducing my children’s contact with him. I think with some time, we can correct the damage done to them. But my son’s innocence he will never regain. I gave my ex a chance to do what was best for our children and he put them in harm’s way. I had no indication he would act this way, he was not this kind of father when we were married. (I suspect some drug use, but have no proof.) You have no idea how a person will react to the changes in their lives that happen after divorce. Don’t take a chance with your children’s mental and physical safety!
Rating: 5 / 5
I was looking for something that my step daughter could read and understand how and why divorced parents might try to turn their children against the other parent. Which is the situation her father and I have had to go through. I wanted something that would better explain why parents do those sorts of things and why they are not healthy. This book is written for adults and I believe is a good tool for parents to use in understanding the other set of parents actions but a child would not understand reading this book.
Rating: 3 / 5
Just like all the others who are damaged and angry, my friend’s ex told her kids terrible things about her. Her attorney decided to focus on PAS as their primary custody issue using Dr. Gardner’s work as a base. It went very wrong. The judge didn’t buy it. My friend was a great mom and now she has lost custody and can only see her children during supervised visitation.
Read this book. Do the right thing and move on. Good book.
Rating: 3 / 5
POISON is unique in being the first pragmatic guide to focus in-depth on parental alienation syndrome in children, and parental alienation as a pattern of behavior for parents lacking a non-`co’parenting relationship with each other.
Rich in anecdote and chock full of examples sure to evoke immediate identification in many users’ own experience, it’s refreshingly both hands-on oriented and even-handed: stressing the frequent mutuality and accidental qualities of alienation-engendering conduct in parents.
I suspect however, many readers will find dissatisfying the tacit acceptance pervading the book, that the alienation game as currently played is inevitable or normal. Although pointed, seriously cautionary remarks are made about the selection and use of counselors, therapists, evaluators, and attorneys, an eerie—because it’s untrue—sense of inhabiting a social and political vacuum infuses the bulk of the discussion.
Particularly notably, Warshak dons kid-gloves when discussing the “controversial” nature of PA; it might be fairer to warn that in some locales the mere mention of the concept—let alone invocation of the `PA/PAS’ denomination—is seen by the community as incendiary, and quite likely to be counter-productive unless handled with the utmost deftness.
Rating: 5 / 5
Divorce Poison is an important contribution to the ongoing discusion on parental aliention and must reading for anyone who is losing a previously normal, healthy and loving parent/child relationship to this destructive family dynamic.
Only through educating parents, legal and mental health professionals about what drives the alienating parent and the child will be able to protect children from the emotionally devastating consequences that are unfairly thrust upon them.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation