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Posts Tagged ‘Before’
My wife and I have 4 kids, we’ve been married for almost 15 years. We have been in marriage counselling since April. Things have not gotten any better and in some ways have gotten worse. I’m a very patient person and I fully expect that this will take some time. I also understand that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better because we have to get issues out in the open and deal with them.
I really WANT it to work and I have made a lot of changes for her, but so far it doesn’t seem like anything is good enough for her and she still mistreats me. I’m willing to do whatever it takes, but this can’t go on without any improvement forever. At some point I will have to decide that I’m beating a dead horse. I wouldn’t mind being in counselling for years if I thought we were making progress, but so far it’s not even helping a little. How long should it take before I can reasonably expect to see some sort of improvement?
Thanks for all the answers so far. There are a few points worth clarifying:
1. Sue B – You are right, I don’t feel like she is doing her part to change. In counselling she admits that she has certain habits and judgements that are hurtful, but when sha actually DOES them and I ask her about it, she denies it and makes up ridiculous lies to cover it up, which only makes it hurt worse.
2. Sue B. – I thought about maybe switching counsellors, but we both seem comfortable with her and things she says makes sense. I think the problem with my wife is that she expected the counsellor to tell me I was the problem and she just can’t handle that she has some work to do also.
3. Jrjordan – Please don’t misjudge my question by its title. I never meant to imply that the counsellor is the whole solution. I only used “marriage counselling” in the question to announce the topic of my question.
You are making a lot of assumptions in your answer. I don’t know why you assume that I am hurtful or untrustworthy. My motivation to change IS 100% (I thought I said as much), and I did say that I would continue counselling for years if I thought it was helping. I don’t expect everything to be magically fixed overnight, I just want to know what’s a reasonable time frame to expect a glimmer of hope, even a small improvement. I can’t go on like this forever because it’s affecting the children.
If your answer is inspired by Christianity, then perhaps you should remember to “seek first to understand, then to be understood” and “judge not lest ye be judged.”. You have painted a very innaccurate picture of who I am and what I am doing to save my marriage.
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My husband filed for divorce almost 3 years ago and we have been to the divorce master. Our pretrial conference is set for Jan 21, and now my husband says he’s withdrawing the divorce and stopping it. Can he do that? My lawyer is out of town til 15th. Thanks!
Roy Sheppard answers the question on the subject of dangerous women: What should you do before you marry him or her?
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Now in paperback — a groundbreaking guide that tells parents how to help their children at the time of the breakup and in the many years that follow within the post-divorce and remarried family — from the New York Times bestselling author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In the tradition of the best parenting guidebooks comes a new work by the renowned child psychologist Judith Wallerstein on a subject that vexes millions of American moms and dads: H… More >>
What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce
Product Description
With a 40% chance of marriage failure, it is more important than ever to be selective when choosing a spouse. President Spencer W. Kimball once said, “In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning, thinking, praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one must not be wrong.”
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The most important thing you can do for your relationship is to get relationship help before the big breakup takes place. Breaking up is hard on both of you and if you can avoid it you’ll never have to overcome the divide it creates.
Most people don’t realize that the same tools that are used to help couples get back together can be applied to help prevent the breakup from happening in the first place.
What are these tools?
1) Empathy. Learn to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If you can mentally switch places and see things from the perspective of your partner you’ll enjoy a much closer relationship and much more productive disagreements.
2) Fairness. Learning to fight fair will be the best gift you give your relationship. So many times in life we fight to win. It’s time to learn that fighting to win in a relationship is fighting in a way that allows something good to result and not fighting to leave your partner mentally and/or emotionally wounded as part of the battle. Fights are normal. How you fight can define your relationship.
3) Apology. If you take the time now to learn how to properly apologize you’ll find your relationship goes much more smoothly in the future. Of course if you manage to create fewer situations that require apologies things will be even better.
There’s no one size fits all solution for relationship problems but these tools will give you enough relationship help to get you started back in the right direction.