Posts Tagged ‘Should’
He is very controlling and verbally abusive. He comes from a family with the same issues. Our nine year marriage has consisted, from my perspective, mostly of me bending over backwards to keep the peace and getting used as a verbal punching bag regardless of how nice I try to be. Today I got mad and talked back and it just made the arguement worse. He yelled about how horrible I was and how I was stubborn and always had to have the last word and it was all my fault. This is typical, but it still makes me cry. Then twenty minutes later he is like nothing ever happened and is all congenial again. I guess my question is, how do I present counseling in a way that won’t make him dig in and refuse? I know I’ve been an enabler, and if you asked me 10 years ago if I would tolerate an abusive relationship I would have said absolutely not! So, I need some counseling too!
Ring of Fire’s Mike Papantonio appears on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews to discuss the incestuous relationship between the oil industry (BP, Halliburton, and Transocean) and the Minerals Management Service, and how that relationship help cause the Gulf of Mexico oil disaster.
Known each other for about 10 years. Married for 7. Have three kids; 6, 4, and 8 months. Our children were conceived the few times we had sex. We were great friends before marriage, but we were both bar hopping, drinking, go have ‘fun’ type people. He played in a band, we’d go hiking alot, hung out at the beach, for the most part, it was fun then. Then, i grew up. We bought a house, and had three children. For the past 3-4 years it’s been falling apart. I finally found a church family that I enjoy and his brother moved to town (his old drinking and drugging buddy). Not only do I not want to go hang out in a bar, but I don’t feel good about raising my kids in a college style life. Long story short: I grew up, he’s happy with status quo. I moved out of his bedroom because there are beer bottles and cans all over, a guitar hanging on the wall, and he’s regularly up until 12 or 1AM playing World of Warcraft. I struggle to like him. He has told me that he puts up with me for the kids.
Are we just one of those situations in which divorce is inevitable? He suggested that we go to marriage counselling, but I don’t think either of us is willing to change. I’m certainly not going to regress and he’s made it clear that the churchy family life is not for him. I looked up a bunch of info on marriage counselling and saw some of the “quizzes” about compatibility, trust, etc. We fail all of them, and badly. I don’t trust him, don’t like him, not attracted to him and he feels the same about me. With that said, it probably sounds ridiculous that I don’t want a divorce. I make a commitment, don’t have the skills to support my children on my own, and dread a life alone. (I wouldn’t date again) And with three kids, going out alone is near impossible and most of the time it’s more trouble than it’s worth. We have no friends in common and no common interests.
Have you experienced marriage counselling?? What do you think they’d say to us? I just hate to spend the money for them to tell us to spend more time together and talk more. I told him that I feel the only way to save our marriage is for me to give up church, go to work full-time, put the kids in school and become a bar chick. I’m just not sure our marriage is worth the embarassment. I’d love to hear your imput. I told him I’d look into the counselling thing today and all I discovered is that its crazy expensive. and yes, my church offers it, but he’ll say they will ‘side’ with me.
Words of wisdom and advice needed. Thank you.
ps…yes, i made it clear before marriage that i wanted to do the whole family thing. he agreed back then.
- ISBN13: 9780399533495
- Condition: NEW
- Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
Product Description
Women are still discovering-the hard way-just how difficult and unpredictable child custody cases can be. The first and most comprehensive book of its kind, this is a complete insider’s guide filled with crucial advice from judges, lawyers, therapists, and mothers who have experienced this challenging legal process. It is designed for women at every stage of divorce and covers a wide range of legal strategies, as well as financial and psychological issues. This upd… More >>
My wife and I have 4 kids, we’ve been married for almost 15 years. We have been in marriage counselling since April. Things have not gotten any better and in some ways have gotten worse. I’m a very patient person and I fully expect that this will take some time. I also understand that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better because we have to get issues out in the open and deal with them.
I really WANT it to work and I have made a lot of changes for her, but so far it doesn’t seem like anything is good enough for her and she still mistreats me. I’m willing to do whatever it takes, but this can’t go on without any improvement forever. At some point I will have to decide that I’m beating a dead horse. I wouldn’t mind being in counselling for years if I thought we were making progress, but so far it’s not even helping a little. How long should it take before I can reasonably expect to see some sort of improvement?
Thanks for all the answers so far. There are a few points worth clarifying:
1. Sue B – You are right, I don’t feel like she is doing her part to change. In counselling she admits that she has certain habits and judgements that are hurtful, but when sha actually DOES them and I ask her about it, she denies it and makes up ridiculous lies to cover it up, which only makes it hurt worse.
2. Sue B. – I thought about maybe switching counsellors, but we both seem comfortable with her and things she says makes sense. I think the problem with my wife is that she expected the counsellor to tell me I was the problem and she just can’t handle that she has some work to do also.
3. Jrjordan – Please don’t misjudge my question by its title. I never meant to imply that the counsellor is the whole solution. I only used “marriage counselling” in the question to announce the topic of my question.
You are making a lot of assumptions in your answer. I don’t know why you assume that I am hurtful or untrustworthy. My motivation to change IS 100% (I thought I said as much), and I did say that I would continue counselling for years if I thought it was helping. I don’t expect everything to be magically fixed overnight, I just want to know what’s a reasonable time frame to expect a glimmer of hope, even a small improvement. I can’t go on like this forever because it’s affecting the children.
If your answer is inspired by Christianity, then perhaps you should remember to “seek first to understand, then to be understood” and “judge not lest ye be judged.”. You have painted a very innaccurate picture of who I am and what I am doing to save my marriage.
ie. when to give up when the counselling could not help for a compromise
phorwanted: to continue counseling while in the terminating the marriage phase and sometimes beyond. Good suggestion
Product Description
About this SEX BOOK:
Sensual Sex & Love – WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE SEX ON A DAILY BASIS! – PLUS 25 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE TODAY…
This book is for anyone that wants to evaluate and learn more about their sex life and how they may be able to improve their relationship with their partner.
This book will give you tips and advice on many things that you may not have considered or been aware of before.
Here is what is INSIDE:
Tabl… More >>
The final part of why guys should chase girls by me (Frank Hwang)! Part 1: youtube.com Part 2: youtube.com
I really feel for those kids, and all Jon wants to do is party like a college kid, when he is a father of “8″…that’s right “8″ kids. Kate is off promoting her career some more. So where does it leave the kids. I hope with some time apart, with all the money they have, they can try to save this family and this marriage with some counselling. They owe the kids that much don’t they?
www.lovein30days.com Shay Your Date Diva shares her advice to women on when is it too soon to kiss a guy.