Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives.
Posts Tagged ‘Steps’
Product Description
Dating and marriage is different than it was twenty years ago. In today’s society, more than 50% of all marriages fail for one reason or another. Just thinking about that makes “commitment” seem scary. It seems that when relationships are faced with challenges, people quit trying. Dating is more like a marathon, trying to date as many people as possible, instead of taking time to get to know someone at a deeper level.
For married couples, divorce is not bia… More >>
“You never listen to me…I’ve asked you a thousand times to let me know when you can’t pick the kids up from daycare!”
In my work with couples, it is common to hear one person accuse the other of “not listening.” This usually takes the following form:
1. You ask your partner to do something that is important to you;
2. For a period of time your partner follows-through on your request;
3. At some point your partner becomes less consistent in his/her follow-through;
4. Your partner’s inconsistency increases until there is no trace that you’ve ever made a request;
5. Steps 1-4 are repeated and frustrations mount. A large percentage of marriage problems can be traced back to this pattern.
Relationship Problems: A lack of message adhesiveness
It’s a simple fact: you (and your partner) have a limited ability to hold onto information—and our fast-paced, hectic, information-overload world just adds to the dilemma. What does this mean to your relationship? If you listen to thirty different things throughout the course of your day, you may only remember five of them a week later. Some information is more adhesive and more likely to stick in your memory, whereas other information will enter your mind one moment and seem to mysteriously vanish the next.
Because of this fact, your goal as the listener is to increase the adhesiveness of your partner’s message so the information becomes a permanent entry in your mental Rolodex.
It is the responsibility of both the speaker and listener to increase the chances that communication brings about the desired outcome. So whether you are making a request or being asked to do something, there are steps you can take to increase the likelihood that your message will both hit the mark and remain in place.
Relationship Help: 3 ways for you (as the listener) to increase message adhesiveness
1. Ask for clarification about a request
Asking for clarification serves several important purposes: It helps you get a better sense of what the speaker needs and at the same time it sends the message that you are interested and want to understand what your partner has to say.
This will make your partner feel that you are fully engaged in the dialogue.
2. Translate the message/request into concrete action steps
As the listener, you need to take the words being directed at you and use them to shape your behavior in a new way. When your partner needs something from you (whether it is to “communicate more”; “listen better”; “be more responsible”), in essence you are being asked to do something different: to either add a new behavior that is absent or stop a behavior that is unwelcome…or both.
So each message you hear should lead you to think about the specific behavior change you need to make in order to fulfill your partner’s request.
3. Rehearse and build on your partner’s message
As the listener, one of your jobs is to make sure the request gets stored on your mental hard-drive and that you have permanent and easy access to the information. You don’t want to continuously fail in the all-important department of reliable follow-through because it keeps slipping your mind. The “I forgot” excuse gets old fast.
ne way to increase your follow-through is to rehearse the essential part of your partner’s message. All rehearsal involves repetition. You repeat the message (either to yourself or out loud) over and over again until it becomes more adhesive. This is how people prepare for interviews; how actors memorize movie scripts; how teachers learn the lesson plans they teach; how students learn new information.
Another way to bolster message adhesiveness is to write down what you need to remember. There are two ways this is helpful:
a. You can write reminders to yourself as a memory aide;
b. You can rehearse the message by repeatedly writing it.
Messages are more likely to be remembered when they are personalized—you do this by building and expanding on your partner’s message.
For instance, if you agree to work on becoming a “better listener,” you can tell yourself: “I want to be the best spouse I can, so I will work on being more attentive while listening” or “When I really listen to my partner, s/he feels understood and cared for, so it’s a win-win for us both. I will make it a top priority.”
Notice how in each of these examples, rather than simply repeat what your partner needs from you, you expand on the message in a way that makes your follow-through more personal and meaningful—after all, don’t you want to be the best spouse/partner you can possibly be?
And don’t you want to create win-win situations?
To discover more relationship tips, visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”
Product Description
Divorce is a time of loss—it also becomes a time of change with the possibility that each partner might move forward toward personal restoration and wholeness. But how? David and Lisa Frisbie, authors of Happily Remarried, share godly wisdom, sound advice, and encouragement to help readers: heal from feelings of anger and abandonment discover the sufficiency of God develop interests, dreams, and skills raise healthy kids alone or as a co–paren… More >>
Living in a marriage without sex can be stressful. Feelings of anger, frustration and even resentment all come to the fore. If you are in this situation then you certainly are not alone. Latest statistics show that as many as 18% of couples make love less than ten times per year. So if you are in the situation where you need to shout out “I need sexless marriage help” and you need it fast, then here is some essential advice that will start to bring a powerful change to your marriage.
A lot of people when faced with this situation wrongly assume that their partner has fallen out of love with them. Whereas in reality, when a person looses their sexual libido it has nothing to do with the act of sex itself. Instead however, there are generally underlying issues which are the root cause of the problem. If you can identify and solve these issues, then you can indeed get your love life back on track. Here are 3 steps that will get your partner to want you again.
Support your partner
There may well be some areas of your partner’s life that they really need support in. It could be that they have a particularly stressful job and are finding it hard to switch off when they come home. If you suspect that this is the case then you could lend a sympathetic ear when they want to get something off their chest. Act as a sounding board, and listen to what they have to say. Even something as simple as a neck massage or a relaxing bath will help them unwind. If necessary you might want to think about giving them some space if they need an hour or so to de-stress. These actions will send a really clear message to your partner that you care for them. This support will indeed make your relationship stronger and create an environment whereby sexual intimacy can resume.
Make time to spend time together
It is very easy to get swept along with the daily grind of everyday living, and therefore so easy to loose focus on why the both of you got together in the first place. Life can be very fast paced and therefore it becomes so easy to fall into bed at the end of the day exhausted. By making a window in your day to enable you to spend quality time together, you will not only create an intimate atmosphere, but will also signify to your partner that you see your relationship as very high priority. Creating an intimate environment does not have to be just the two of you. It can also mean time spent with the whole family doing stuff as a family unit. This in turn strengthens the family bond and reinforces your relationship with your spouse.
A simple relaxing massage
A massage in a non sensual way is a great place to start if the two of you have not been intimate for a while. It relaxes the other person and creates that air of intimacy between you, but the expectation of sex doesn’t have to apply, unlike more sensual massages. Creating the right environment is very important for giving a massage. So it needs to be relaxing and above all stress free! Light some candles and put on some soft music, it will add to the ambience. If your partner feels totally relaxed then they might feel comfortable about opening up to you about their lack of sexual intimacy. Once you start talking about the subject then you can start to solve your sexless marriage problems together.
If your marriage is suffering from lack of intimacy and you need sexless marriage help, then using these simple techniques may indeed start to get your marriage back on track. However this is just a small part of a delicate subject. So if you are really serious about saving your marriage then visit www.marriagefixer.info for further sexless marriage tips you cannot afford to miss.
Julio Gomez is a full time article marketer specializing in the marriage and relationship conflict niches. Julio has had his fair share of marriage problems, but managed to turn his marriage around from an almost irretrievable situation, using proven techniques that work! He now feels compelled to help others do the same. Find out how at www.marriagefixer.info