When couples come to me for help, the first thing I do is observe how they communicate with each other. Communication is often the gauge of the health of a relationship. There are certain effective communication principles that can help you create a more harmonious marriage or relationship; and certain styles of communication have been linked to relationship and marital problems.
When couples seek marriage help and relationship advice, they are often locked in ineffective communication patterns that have spiraled out of control. When this occurs:
~Conflict increases;
~Resentments and emotional wounding intensify;
~Emotional intimacy suffers;
~Physical intimacy suffers;
~And you may feel more “stressed” in general—your relationship problems can impact other areas of your life.
As you can see, significant relationship problems add up when communication flounders.
Marriage help: Effective versus ineffective communication
One area where couples often get themselves into trouble is attempting to give each other feedback when one person is doing something that the other finds troubling. John Gottman, Ph.D. (a prominent marriage researcher) makes an important distinction that you should be aware of:
The difference between complaining versus criticizing.
Whenever you complain, you are giving your spouse/partner important feedback about something you’d like to change. So periodic complaining can be good for your relationship!
For instance, “You left the milk out last night and I had to throw out the entire gallon” is a complaint that lets your partner know that s/he needs to be more mindful during his/her late night snacking.
A criticism is very different. Rather than focusing on the behavior you’d like to see changed (leaving milk out all night), criticisms are directed at your partner.
Staying with our milk example, a criticism might look something like, “You left the milk out all night. I can’t believe how lazy you are!”
As you read the two examples above, I’d like you to think about which feedback would make you more likely to “hear” your partner’s message and which would make you more defensive? Criticisms have the power to stop communication in its tracks.
The couples that seek my relationship help are frequently involved in a criticism-defense-counter criticism pattern. The person hurling criticisms makes his/her partner feel attacked (and defensive) and when this occurs, the likelihood of a counter-attack increases (“Oh, yeah, you’re even lazier than me!”).
This is a big reason why communication falters.
So when you give your spouse/partner feedback, try your best to focus on the behavior you’d like to see changed, rather than verbally attacking your partner for his/her unwanted actions. And when giving feedback, highlight what you’d like to see happen, rather than what isn’t working.
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Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. His relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and national magazines.
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